—who would star and why?

SA: Laura Linney, because I've yet to see her dig deep into her insane sexual energy/ambition. The woman is the finest actress of her generation, but she needs to make it bleed.

EF: See above for the first idea. Perhaps for Little Darlings we could have two fresh-outta-rehab girls. Or better, do a major casting call for one city girl—harsh around the edges but longing for love—and a rich girl with longings. Film the casting calls, make it into its own reality show/pr vehicle. Plot’s the same—two girls at camp bet who will be the first to be deflowered. Then shove Dave Duchovny in the professor-ish role and Ralph Macchio (he still looks young, right?) in the city tough-boy role.

LM: Stellan Skarsgard could star as the drunken, opportunistic Dutch sea captain who discovers the newts and starts trading them as slaves.

NP: I'd need to get an attractive Hispanic actress with good comic timing. Anyone know any of those? I suppose an open casting call would work. I don't know. Gael Garcia Bernal in drag? The Joseph Cotten role could be played by any one of a dozen guys.


—who would direct and why?

SA: Brigitte Rouan. She directed this awesome French film, Post Coitum in 1997. I'd select her because she has a precise eye for female sexual abandon. Her heroine was destructive and tragic, without ever seeming absurd.

EF: Um, George Cukor if he were able. But failing that, Wes Anderson for The Philadelphia Story and Hal Hartley for Little Darlings. Or the reverse.

LM: Lars von Trier could direct, but with a huge blockbuster budget and a strict anti-Dogma 99 mandate from the execs.

NP: Whoever was cheapest. This isn't a movie that needs an artistic treatment. Getting the right screenwriter is far more important.