––What would’ve made the moment even worse?

Allison: If she’d accused me of subconsciously wanting to pee on her. Surely the thought must have crossed her mind.

Donner: If, standing on that cold, cement floor, I suddenly flailed my arms skyward and leaped into the air, in a poor (if earnest) imitation of a ballerina’s grand jeté.  This is what I was asked to do at the next commercial audition I went to (for Kotex Ultra Thin Pads).

McLarty: Nothing.  It couldn’t have possibly been worse.  The casting director who walked me to my car kept asking me if I was all right.  When I landed in NY, there was a message from my agent saying that I didn’t get the job but ALL the people at NBC were worried about me.

Schrank: There’s no way that moment could’ve been any worse, save child abuse. If my mother had come in and knocked me back on my ass when she saw me gathering confetti, that would have made it worse. But that didn’t happen. I own what I did, as we must with all our embarrassments. And I look back with regret, because what I could’ve done was jumped around and smiled or lay back in bed and said yeah, it’s my birthday and I am young and loved and happy.

––Looking back, could it have been avoided?

Allison: Yes. We could’ve skipped the bars that night. More to the point, we probably should’ve broken up by then.

Donner: Only if one of the following events had occurred:  1) The myoepithelial cells between the merocrine gland cells and basal lamina ceased to function, thereby disrupting thermoregulation and halting all perspiration; 2) I hadn’t applied bronzer.

McLarty: No.  Can you avoid a crash after car is flying off the cliff?  It still feels like fate.

Schrank: Yes. I wish my mother had recognized this lack in me and taken me to fun classes where I could’ve learned both fun and fun-appreciation. If I had known how to do fun-appreciation, this memory wouldn’t plague me. It needn’t be innate. I like to do lots of things that I’ve learned, like desiring expensive watches. So that horrible birthday morning could’ve been avoided if I’d learned how to appreciate fun.