Sure, once I was just like you. I thought “War on Christmas? C’mon?” I mean, I was pretty secure in the idea that Christmas was doing all right. The spirit of this joyous holiday seemed alive all around me, from the frantic black Friday dawn raids on the department stores to the quiet hush of the midnight mass. Christmas isn’t in danger, is it?

Well my friend, I am afraid it is. A good pal of mine recently gave me a copy of Fox News Anchor John Gibson’s new book The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse than You Thought. Let me just tell you, this book was an eye opener. Did you know about the “cabal of secularists, so-called humanists, trial lawyers, cultural relativists, and liberal, guilt-wracked Christians” that are conspiring to remove every last scrap and speck of this sacred holiday from every public square? Did you know that Santa and Rudolph and presents and delicious warm Christmas cookies baked by Grandma are all facing a unilateral assault from these forces? I sure the heck didn’t.

This revelation I imagine may leave you in a dill of a pickle. But do not fear, you can do something about this. Now is the time for action, as the Christmas season is upon us once again. Bill O’Reilly, Jerry Falwell, and other prominent men have joined in this new crusade. It is the duty of every Christian man and his wife walking obediently behind him to stand up and fight. I have formed a group in my own area, the Revolutionary Army of the Baby Jesus, or RABJ, and we have begun to march with the words of Reverend Falwell as our motto: “Christmas: You are either with us, or against us.”

We at RABJ have made a list of helpful hints to help you fight back and join the crusade. Some of these may seem like small gestures, but remember: This is war.