I got one more. Before all that, I was a lifeguard in Belmar, New Jersey, right, and I had won like ‘sexiest lifeguard’ – it was a whole big contest. We all had to wear Speedos. All I remember was getting drunk and making out with girls. The next thing I know I’m getting woken up, you know that 3am voice: “Ho, uhn uhn uhn.”
     I’m like, “What?”
     He goes, “Get outta here.”
     “There’s still people–“
     And he goes, “You passed out.”
     “I always pass out, so what?”
     He goes, “Get out.”
     And I’m like, “But you know me–“
     He goes, “Rob, get the fuck out.”
     I’m like, “Why? Why?”
     He goes, “You stink.”
     “So what?”
     I stand up. I had crapped my Speedo, all over the seat, my legs, everything.
     He’s like, “Just get out, Rob. You’re a loser!”
     And then I got cleaned up and everything.
     The next day, I’m at work, life guarding. I go back to the bar and they won’t let me in. They were my best friends, the bouncers, everybody. I go back a couple nights later and they’re like, “We won’t let you in.” They go, “Rob, you took a shit on a chair. Not – allowed – back.”
     And I’m like, “So I passed out and my ass opened up…”
     I wasn’t allowed back in the bar, but people would come looking for me to hang out.
     That’s it.

86ed: That’s pretty good.

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