COLUMNS
The Chopstick Diet
/ Simona Schneider
03.28.06
Has the following happened to you lately? You go for a visit to the zoo. The crocuses are poking their beaks out of soil like spring chicks hungry for a worm; summer is just around the corner. You are licking an ice cream cone, taking big toothless bites out of frozen heaven not even looking where you are going, so enraptured are you in cookie dough. You suddenly feel as if you are being watched. You look up to find a ferocious large cat, of the tiger variety, baring its teeth and drooling just feet from your face. You stare, mesmerized by its black, glassy eyes and for the first time see yourself for what you truly are. You think: You must change your life. Because admit it, you are but a tasty morsel to be devoured for weeks on end, something by which to get through the winter.
This may not be exactly what prompted Rilke to write this "Change your life" line over a hundred years ago, but then again perhaps Clara Westhoff was gaining weight rapidly. Regardless, in the ‘00s we start small. We are a generation of realistic baby steppers. You do not want to change what you eat, just how you eat it. This philosophy is in line with the times. States do not want to stop the death-penalty, they just want to change how it is implemented. Both are examples of indulging sinful proclivities with technicalities. What's more, tomatoes were once vegetables, now they're fruit, so why change your moral or nutritional standards when people are changing it for you beyond your control?
In our case, implements pose an interesting problem. As doctor of the Chopstick Diet, I prescribe to you two chopsticks to take at breakfast, lunch, dinner, with your soup, salad, pizza, steak and ice cream until you lose those pounds. Follow these tenets and ye shalt be slim.
First: Get a grip. What sounds better, eating a chopstick sandwich, or a sandwich with chopsticks? Make a decision, because those are your two choices for getting in shape for summer. If you're not a seasoned chopstick user, even better. You'll benefit two-fold from this exercise in the great weight-loss.
Second: Know the rules. Hold the chopsticks at the very top, the most polite and thus the most difficult way, as always. Also know the etiquette. Never stick your chopsticks into your food. This is extremely “bad luck” and is only done at funerals. Don’t be surprised if you gain ten extra pounds if you do not follow these rules.
This may not be exactly what prompted Rilke to write this "Change your life" line over a hundred years ago, but then again perhaps Clara Westhoff was gaining weight rapidly. Regardless, in the ‘00s we start small. We are a generation of realistic baby steppers. You do not want to change what you eat, just how you eat it. This philosophy is in line with the times. States do not want to stop the death-penalty, they just want to change how it is implemented. Both are examples of indulging sinful proclivities with technicalities. What's more, tomatoes were once vegetables, now they're fruit, so why change your moral or nutritional standards when people are changing it for you beyond your control?
In our case, implements pose an interesting problem. As doctor of the Chopstick Diet, I prescribe to you two chopsticks to take at breakfast, lunch, dinner, with your soup, salad, pizza, steak and ice cream until you lose those pounds. Follow these tenets and ye shalt be slim.
First: Get a grip. What sounds better, eating a chopstick sandwich, or a sandwich with chopsticks? Make a decision, because those are your two choices for getting in shape for summer. If you're not a seasoned chopstick user, even better. You'll benefit two-fold from this exercise in the great weight-loss.
Second: Know the rules. Hold the chopsticks at the very top, the most polite and thus the most difficult way, as always. Also know the etiquette. Never stick your chopsticks into your food. This is extremely “bad luck” and is only done at funerals. Don’t be surprised if you gain ten extra pounds if you do not follow these rules.
