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The Chopstick Diet
/ Simona Schneider
03.28.06
Third: Contemplate your meal. This is not a Buddhist exercise, but picking each morsel up between pinchers like a crab will bring you closer to your prey. You will notice very quickly that it is impossible for you to shove handfuls of potato chips down the hatch and forget that you have done so, directly afterwards remarking, “What was I doing again? Oh, that’s right, eating, let’s continue that.”
Four: Think of the chopsticks as an inspirational form. Spoons are the goldfish of the utensil world, they eat as much as you fill them; the fork is greedy, sticking four arms out and grabbing anything in its way, by violence; the spork is such a parody, but really, we laugh at it because it is the most truthful representation of our platonic ideal of a utensil, filling all our needs as quickly as it fills our bellies. The knife is a useful accessory, but should be relegated to the kitchen where food is cut up into bite-size pieces before being tackled—like the fork, it is violent.
Five: The greatest achievement of perfection is a tool that does exactly what it is meant to do. Or, for the zen of you: you will only break the pulley made with a thread by trying to lift an elephant. This diet orders that you eat everything with chopsticks, this especially includes steaks, TV dinners, spacefood, milkshakes (beware those splinters!). So when ordering at a restaurant be practical unless you want to look ridiculous
Not convinced yet? Try these tests.
Eat with a fork, while someone who normally eats twice as fast as you has to struggle with chopsticks. This will give you masochistic pleasure, and it will also prove (you will find) that eating with chopsticks doubles your eating time, thus cutting in half the amount of food you eat over time.
Try picking up as many peanuts up with chopsticks as you can. In parts of China this exercise is the true test of a great chopstick user, and even then it is only possible to pick up about 5 across for a champion compared to 10 peanuts in one handful.
When you’ve mastered the chopstick diet, you will be ready for the one chopstick diet my son.
Disclaimer: The chopstick diet is neither scientifically proven, nor a result of extensive testing. It does not mean you can eat anything at all with chopsticks, never exercise and still lose weight. The idea is, however, if you have to eat a twinkie, the chopsticks will make you savour it more, causing you greater pleasure with less twinkie or will help you refuse the twinkie before you even get started.
Four: Think of the chopsticks as an inspirational form. Spoons are the goldfish of the utensil world, they eat as much as you fill them; the fork is greedy, sticking four arms out and grabbing anything in its way, by violence; the spork is such a parody, but really, we laugh at it because it is the most truthful representation of our platonic ideal of a utensil, filling all our needs as quickly as it fills our bellies. The knife is a useful accessory, but should be relegated to the kitchen where food is cut up into bite-size pieces before being tackled—like the fork, it is violent.
Five: The greatest achievement of perfection is a tool that does exactly what it is meant to do. Or, for the zen of you: you will only break the pulley made with a thread by trying to lift an elephant. This diet orders that you eat everything with chopsticks, this especially includes steaks, TV dinners, spacefood, milkshakes (beware those splinters!). So when ordering at a restaurant be practical unless you want to look ridiculous
Not convinced yet? Try these tests.
Eat with a fork, while someone who normally eats twice as fast as you has to struggle with chopsticks. This will give you masochistic pleasure, and it will also prove (you will find) that eating with chopsticks doubles your eating time, thus cutting in half the amount of food you eat over time.
Try picking up as many peanuts up with chopsticks as you can. In parts of China this exercise is the true test of a great chopstick user, and even then it is only possible to pick up about 5 across for a champion compared to 10 peanuts in one handful.
When you’ve mastered the chopstick diet, you will be ready for the one chopstick diet my son.
Disclaimer: The chopstick diet is neither scientifically proven, nor a result of extensive testing. It does not mean you can eat anything at all with chopsticks, never exercise and still lose weight. The idea is, however, if you have to eat a twinkie, the chopsticks will make you savour it more, causing you greater pleasure with less twinkie or will help you refuse the twinkie before you even get started.
