FEATURES
The Amazon Review Project
/ Dodie Bellamy's Writing Workshop
07.22.07
Renato Escudero (writing under Ramiro Estrada)
Plastic Sign
My production manager Blane constantly teases me about my heavy accent. At least I can express myself well enough in writing to review Amazon products that are especially significant to me, like this one. That's one of the things I like about this forum- I can say whatever I feel like and not fear being chastised by Blane. He knows how sensitive I am about my Mexicanness. The very first thing he said to me when I started working at the trophy shop years and years ago was something to the effect that he hoped my customers could understand me with that accent of mine. They do, trust me. Last year alone I wrote a quarter of a million dollars worth of business for the company. This sign probably wouldn't offend so much, if it were written correctly. It just goes to hyperbolize Blane's hypocrisy and ignorance. The Spanish portion of it should read, PROHIBIDA LA ENTRADA. Hy-Ku Products really ought to do something about this. I encourage all Spanish speakers not to obey absurd signs, like this one, made by sign makers who do not take the time to ask their Latino colleagues to copy check their work before silk-screening. I personally never respect Blane's dictums anyway. Last week, he pasted this hideous sign which, by the way, was supposed to come in red lettering on a white background as advertised, to the door of the walk-in closet in the back of the assembly room. He keeps his precious trophy figures there. The heavy ones, brass and lead mostly, which are seldom used, are buried in a few milk crates at the bottom. The rest of the place is fairly well organized most of the time, although Blane's always complained that "everyone" makes a mess of his sacred closet (I'm the only one who's heard him complain). He'd make an altar of it! Early in the morning on the day of the posting, he made an announcement over the intercom -that "people" were no longer allowed to go into the trophy figure closet (I was the only one in the shop); he would personally make sure all materials needed would be laid out each day. He sounded reasonably sober. When he was out to lunch, I rummaged through the closet, only because I needed a Star Performer brass star for Macy's, and behind the front row of milk crates at the bottom, I discovered his case of Bud. I felt like summoning the boss to show him my findings, but I decided to save it for a rainy day.
12 Inch Quick Ship Single Column Trophy: Male Bowling Figure, Green Column
Toward the end of the day on Tuesday, I was at work, putting trophies together again . . .
BIC(R) Brite Liner(R) Highlighters, Pink, Box Of 12
Sometimes my production manager Blane at the trophy shop pushes me too far . . .
The Gatekeeper T-shirt Short Sleeved 100% Cotton Shirt with Fairy ADULT and YOUTH
There is nothing more disturbing than to see a grown man with a beer belly, puffy red face and balding pink head wear this T-shirt. On the day my production manager Blane had eight beers for lunch, presumably because it was his birthday, he came back to the trophy shop sporting this beautiful 100% cotton fairy shirt. He said it was a gift from his ex-wife, and for a change I believed him, because I had been there with her surfing through possibilities on Amazon. She had modeled it for me as soon as it arrived, and I touched it, felt the smoothness of the cotton, and inhaled the earth friendly water based paint of the fairy at the breast. The tie-dyed purple had looked good over the pale skin on her arms and legs. She had told him the kids insisted on this design and that he must wear it immediately, but they were at school and never even saw the shirt. By the end of the workday it was all sweaty, even the armpits had begun to get that rusty color of too much cardboard and brass dust and perspiration. This shirt is of fine quality indeed, but by no means is it meant to be a work shirt. What Blane doesn’t realize is that his ex-wife is not really all that heartbroken and bitter, even with the divorce and the whole single mom aftermath. She’s still a wisecracker. All of us at the trophy shop, minus the boss, went to the bowling alley down the street to celebrate Blane’s b-day, and all the boys insisted that he wore the shirt, but he took it off with the excuse that he wanted to start the evening with a clean shirt. So he put on his "Beer – It’s What’s for Dinner" shirt instead, also available on Amazon. [[ASIN:B000BT6HS4 Beer...Its Whats For Dinner T-Shirt (Humor Shirts Buy 2 Get the 3rd Free!)]] But by the end of the evening, Blane was toasted with too many two-for-one beers, and the chief engraver persuaded him to get the fairy shirt from his trunk. He put it on again and danced like a fairy with a bowling ball each time he took the lane. The fairy shirt was such a big success that I ordered another one for Blane’s ex-wife, which she proudly wears every night to bed. I’m not going to lie and say that the shirt has sprinkled love dust over us; it’s not even that we like each other that much, but we’ve had Blane in common for ten years, and that’s a good enough reason for us. There’s strength in numbers.
Plastic Sign
My production manager Blane constantly teases me about my heavy accent. At least I can express myself well enough in writing to review Amazon products that are especially significant to me, like this one. That's one of the things I like about this forum- I can say whatever I feel like and not fear being chastised by Blane. He knows how sensitive I am about my Mexicanness. The very first thing he said to me when I started working at the trophy shop years and years ago was something to the effect that he hoped my customers could understand me with that accent of mine. They do, trust me. Last year alone I wrote a quarter of a million dollars worth of business for the company. This sign probably wouldn't offend so much, if it were written correctly. It just goes to hyperbolize Blane's hypocrisy and ignorance. The Spanish portion of it should read, PROHIBIDA LA ENTRADA. Hy-Ku Products really ought to do something about this. I encourage all Spanish speakers not to obey absurd signs, like this one, made by sign makers who do not take the time to ask their Latino colleagues to copy check their work before silk-screening. I personally never respect Blane's dictums anyway. Last week, he pasted this hideous sign which, by the way, was supposed to come in red lettering on a white background as advertised, to the door of the walk-in closet in the back of the assembly room. He keeps his precious trophy figures there. The heavy ones, brass and lead mostly, which are seldom used, are buried in a few milk crates at the bottom. The rest of the place is fairly well organized most of the time, although Blane's always complained that "everyone" makes a mess of his sacred closet (I'm the only one who's heard him complain). He'd make an altar of it! Early in the morning on the day of the posting, he made an announcement over the intercom -that "people" were no longer allowed to go into the trophy figure closet (I was the only one in the shop); he would personally make sure all materials needed would be laid out each day. He sounded reasonably sober. When he was out to lunch, I rummaged through the closet, only because I needed a Star Performer brass star for Macy's, and behind the front row of milk crates at the bottom, I discovered his case of Bud. I felt like summoning the boss to show him my findings, but I decided to save it for a rainy day.
12 Inch Quick Ship Single Column Trophy: Male Bowling Figure, Green Column
Toward the end of the day on Tuesday, I was at work, putting trophies together again . . .
BIC(R) Brite Liner(R) Highlighters, Pink, Box Of 12
Sometimes my production manager Blane at the trophy shop pushes me too far . . .
The Gatekeeper T-shirt Short Sleeved 100% Cotton Shirt with Fairy ADULT and YOUTH
There is nothing more disturbing than to see a grown man with a beer belly, puffy red face and balding pink head wear this T-shirt. On the day my production manager Blane had eight beers for lunch, presumably because it was his birthday, he came back to the trophy shop sporting this beautiful 100% cotton fairy shirt. He said it was a gift from his ex-wife, and for a change I believed him, because I had been there with her surfing through possibilities on Amazon. She had modeled it for me as soon as it arrived, and I touched it, felt the smoothness of the cotton, and inhaled the earth friendly water based paint of the fairy at the breast. The tie-dyed purple had looked good over the pale skin on her arms and legs. She had told him the kids insisted on this design and that he must wear it immediately, but they were at school and never even saw the shirt. By the end of the workday it was all sweaty, even the armpits had begun to get that rusty color of too much cardboard and brass dust and perspiration. This shirt is of fine quality indeed, but by no means is it meant to be a work shirt. What Blane doesn’t realize is that his ex-wife is not really all that heartbroken and bitter, even with the divorce and the whole single mom aftermath. She’s still a wisecracker. All of us at the trophy shop, minus the boss, went to the bowling alley down the street to celebrate Blane’s b-day, and all the boys insisted that he wore the shirt, but he took it off with the excuse that he wanted to start the evening with a clean shirt. So he put on his "Beer – It’s What’s for Dinner" shirt instead, also available on Amazon. [[ASIN:B000BT6HS4 Beer...Its Whats For Dinner T-Shirt (Humor Shirts Buy 2 Get the 3rd Free!)]] But by the end of the evening, Blane was toasted with too many two-for-one beers, and the chief engraver persuaded him to get the fairy shirt from his trunk. He put it on again and danced like a fairy with a bowling ball each time he took the lane. The fairy shirt was such a big success that I ordered another one for Blane’s ex-wife, which she proudly wears every night to bed. I’m not going to lie and say that the shirt has sprinkled love dust over us; it’s not even that we like each other that much, but we’ve had Blane in common for ten years, and that’s a good enough reason for us. There’s strength in numbers.
