Excerpt from
Universal Themes That Anyone Can Relate To
Chelsea Martin


I got horny while I was in the shower and started fantasizing about how I might seduce Ethan once I was finished with my shower.

I imagined jumping onto him from behind and wrapping my limbs around him.

But in my fantasy I sort of hurt Ethan by jumping onto him, and he had also been holding a bowl of cereal that I hadn’t imagined until after I imagined jumping on him, and I made the cereal spill all over the floor, and Ethan seemed tired and looked at me and grumpily asked me if I was trying to seduce him and then he made me clean up the cereal.

By the time my fantasy was over and I left the bathroom, I was noticeably irritated.
Ethan said, “You seem in a weird mood.”

I said, “You always say something like that when it’s actually you who is in a weird mood and you just don’t want to take responsibility for your weird mood because you don’t want to take the time to analyze your own feelings in life.”
He said, “What’s going on?” but I couldn’t say, “I’m really mad and hurt and confused over this hypothetical melodrama I just went through while I was in the bathroom,” so I just said, “What the fuck?”

And he said, “What the fuck?”

And I said, “It’s an interesting question.”

I’ve had a few dreams recently about my exes finally getting the courage to say the mean things I always knew they wanted to say to me. In the dreams I feel so proud of them for finally being funny.


Ethan and I went out to eat Chinese food for dinner, which I was anxious about because I didn’t have much money, but ultimately we would leave without paying.

Ethan is pretty tall. I was actually thinking of describing Ethan as tall way earlier than this, but then I thought “I shouldn’t describe Ethan as tall,” but then somebody asked me if he was tall, so I guess that’s the kind of thing that’s interesting.