I was watching the Patriot game this past weekend with a few male friends when the camera focused in on a helmetless Tom Brady. Immediately, the imbibing of adult beverages came to a halt. The room sat in silence until two young men, simultaneously gawked, “That Tom Brady, he is handsome.” As the coverage cut to a commercial and “this is our country” roared through the speakers for the first of many times that afternoon, we glanced to one another, then back to the two young men to reaffirm their frank declarations.

I find it beautifully ironic that America’s machismo anthem (which most likely slapped a divine smile on the face of Huckabee) was playing as four closeted homophobes, in a non malicious way that is (we just lack multi-cultural exposure) confirmed another man's supreme sexuality with lack of hesitation. Even the balding, red haired law student removed his frameless glasses to catch a second glance of Tom’s magnificent chimple (chin-dimple) and professed to the room, “So let the voice of freedom sing out through this land, Tom Brady is handsome.”

And he’s right, that Tom Brady is handsome. So handsome that another friend joked that we should stop watching America’s Next Top Model and turn on the game. That was until the camera panned to Junior Seau’s upper lip to reestablish that we were actually watching a contest for hooligan supremacy. Upon first glance of Junior Seau, it appears as if he may have a Raul Julia styled moustache, when in fact he is the only man to my knowledge to have a muscle on his upper lip. But enough about him let’s get back to Tom…

Though it was unnecessary in the playoff game versus the Jaguars and common knowledge for any mediocre sports fan, Tom Brady has mastered the aptly named, “2 minute drill.” But what most people don’t know is that Tom’s two-minute brilliance expands beyond the pigskin domain. Give Tom two minutes and he will satisfy a woman, two minutes and he will create peace in the middle east, teach a bear and a penguin the “whose on first” routine, create human embryonic stem-cell colonies etc...Brett Favre may have a dick made out of denim, but Betsy Ross stitched together Tom Brady’s ball sack...side note: My room mate Nick referred to the time period when Brett Favre had braces on his teeth as “The Favre Dark Era.” Although it had no logic beyond oral aesthetic preference, his comment made me laugh hysterically.

Back to the room, I rose from my seat on the pleather, yet soporific cushions to steal some of Brian’s left over sesame chicken located in the refrigerator. The rest of the room was still paralyzed by Tom’s beauty while simultaneously engaging in internal penance for their unmanly thoughts…The constant duality of our emotions makes me hungry for Asian cuisine…(earlier that day the balding, red haired law student asked what they call Chinese Food in China, which we all agreed, the Chinese most likely just call it food.)