Report: West Ham United 2, Birmingham City 1

An at-times inspired display of football against Birmingham City provided West Ham United with their second away victory of the season. There was one change from the side which lost to Manchester United the week before as old stager Edward “Teddy” Sheringham was out injured, replaced by Bobby Zatamora, while eighteen year old Mark Noble continued in centre midfield in the absence of Nigel Reo “do do do do do” Coker, even though it had been rumoured that Christian "Footballing Genius" Dailly would start ahead of him. Fortunately this didn't happen—and with Sheringham and Reo Coker being injured, Hayden Mullins was captain.

West Ham started slowly, but fortunately this lethargy was matched by Birmingham's somnolent approach and their general lack of talent—but then, out of nowhere, Birmingham scored—which was a surprise—the Birmingham fans were surprised anyway and there was a short delay before they started cheering, but it was a desperate, plaintive, existential type of cheering, a kind of conditioned response like the undead in George Romero's films trying to remember what they did when they were alive.

Birmingham, here in the UK, is called a post-industrial "wasteland"—a disheveled cultural sprawl of shopping malls and call centres. Many years ago when Queen Victoria traveled around the country in her private train, her servants were under strict orders to close the curtains of her carriage when they passed through the Black Country (this is roughly the area of England where Birmingham is located) so that the sight of the blackened and wealth-producing industrial landscape would not offend her aristocratic eyes. Ha Ha—well it’s better nowadays in a basic material sense—but in the move to post-proletariat status, the Brummies lost any authentic folk culture they may once have had and now there is nothing …nothing except the spectacularised capitalist merry-go-round of low-quality commodities and television. West Ham has an industrial past not unlike Birmingham and most football clubs, being formed originally by workers from a ship-building company called the Thames Ironworks and Shipbuilding Co. Ltd in 1895.

About 5 minutes after their goal, West Ham nearly scored courtesy of the Israeli genius Yossi Benayoun—who crossed to "Marvellous" Marlon Harewood—whose looping header was saved by the Birmingham keeper.